Constant Criticism – How To Handle ?
One-year ago my BF moved into house I aleady owned.
House was a little cluttered as I had not fully moved in myself and had lots of boxes not yet unpacked in the garage and a spare bedroom. In addition I had not fully furnished place yet and am still lacking some storage to put away all my stuff.
He is constantly aggravated and critical about how “messy” I am and just wants me to get rid of my “stuff”. I keep the place presentable but sometimes get behind on housework (like putting all the laundry away) because I am also working on projects. (Cleaning out garage, building IKEA furniture to improve storage situation etc). He claims he can not help me do anything because “i won’t let him throw anything away”.
When he does help me clean he will say “where did you get this ugly painting — you don’t want to keep this do you”. Often these will be things that I love and carefully picked out for my home! I usually agree to sell or get rid of, but once in awhile I really like something and defend it and he goes crazy (for example I had a frosted-glass oval platter that I often used to hold appetizers for parties — he hated it and it was completely inocuous — not flowered or anything!)
I work full-time, have the responsibility of being the “breadwinner”, and just had a baby 7 weeks ago. I feel like I am stretched to the limit and need to be cleaning 24/7 to please him. I need some downtime on the weekends too…..
When he nags me about the garage, I point out that I least I keep on top of the dishes and laudry and then he says to let him do the laundry and dishes so I can FINALLY get the garage done. Problem is he does not then do those things – I would have to ask him “can you do the dishes so I can work on the garage”. He wants me just to throw away everything in boxes since “I have not used it this year”. Well I have camping equipment, sentimental items etc in boxes so I want to sort them out etc…. (this is why I must clean because he said he would just toss all my “junk”).
So I spend two full days on the garage and get it clean giving much of my stuff to the goodwill in the process, and all I hear is why aren’t the towels clean, why did you leave these books on the table etc….
I feel like I’m in continual “what have you done lately” land. I always admit I’m not the neatest person, but If I point out areas of improvement i.e. keeping up with dishes he says “what do you want a gold medal?”.
Why can’t he accept that this is an ongoing project instead of nagging me weekly? When he keeps saying “this place is a mess” it makes me feel horrible because I am doing the best that I can and don’t feel that he needs to keep reminding me since I have acknowledged the mess and I always making effort to improve.
I should also point out that he leaves his shoes everywhere, magazines on bathroom floor, dirty glasses around the house, jackets on backs of chairs etc. But if I ever defend myself by pointing out his flaws he says “yes but at least I am TRYING to be neat”. As though I am trying “not to be neat”???
He actually said “i don’t know why you don’t want to be organized”.
16 Comments
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He sounds like an ***. I’m sorry, but you do NOT deserve that. It doesn’t sound like he’s Mr. Clean himself, which makes him a hypocrite.
You guys should sit down and make a list of each of the things you’re responsible for as far as chores go. If he wants you to clean the garage, then tell him he MUST keep on top of the dishes and garbage runs, etc. Make the list fair and square. If he doesn’t old up his end of the bargain, then you might want to consider just leaving the relationship. The guy really doesn’t sound like he respects you.
My fiance and I share chores, but if I’m especially busy one week, he offers to do my part. This Saturday, I’m going dress shopping with some family members all day and my fiance VOLUNTEERED to vacuum and clean the tub while I was gone, my two usual Saturday chores. This is the way it should be.
I’m so sorry you have to deal with this, hun. I hope you can find a resolution, soon.
Why are you still with him? He sucking you dry emotionally and no one deserves that. If he can’t grow up it’s time for him to get out.
No offense to your boyfriend but he sounds like a total douche if he’s criticizing your housekeeping skills after you just had his baby 7 weeks ago! I realize it’s been an ongoing problem with you, but jeez! You’d think he’d let up for a little while, after you became a mama.
My fiance and I have definitely different ideas about how a house should look- I like things to be tidy. I don’t care about some clutter but I do want things to be clean and neat, like no dishes in the sink and stuff like that. My fiance is a bit more sloppy and would probably leave his dishes in the sink until Doomsday if I didn’t do them for him. But that’s one of the things about building a life together- you have to mutually respect each other’s differences and compromise on solutions to make you both happy. Your BF needs to ask himself what’s more important to him- a spotless house that he lives in alone, or a somewhat disheveled home that he shares with you and the baby. As that baby grows, so will the mess he/she makes. He’d better get used to the chaotic look of the house, because kids are messy and leave toys and things all over the place. Tell him to chill!
And as for the paintings and things he doesn’t like: once again, it’s a compromise. Surely he has a few pieces of furniture you think are hideous, but if he’s allowed to decorate with those, you have a right to your household items in your taste too. I mean, do you think I want to live in a house decorated with Southwestern paintings and Kachina dolls? On the other hand, my fiance hates my penchant for garage-sale furniture from the 70s that I like for its kitschy, retro vibe. So we make it co-exist- ugly avocado-green chairs with Kokopelli. It works. Whatever.
He needs to leave now! He is treating you more like a servant or slave than the mother of his child. I wouldn’t tolerate this behavior. He should be helping you with the household chores, not nagging because you haven’t had time to finish them yet. What’s his excuse, that cleaning is a woman’s job and a man shouldn’t have to lift a finger? BS, a man is just as capable to clean up after himself and help around the house.
Blunt: what is your problem? This guy is totally walking all over her and you are asking why she can’t do more? He should be cleaning too, not just her. She just had a baby and doesn’t need this stress. Oh and just because she wants to have a chance to go throught the boxes doesn’t mean that she’s a compulsive hoarder. What if something really sentimental got thrown out on accident, like a blanket her grandma made for her the day she was born? I wouldn’t call keeping an item like that hoarding. Take a chill pill.
Everything I was going to say has already been said. Everyone has good and valid points. Listen to them. What sucks is that you said you just had a baby. I am guessing he’s the father. That makes it harder… but the answer is the same. Kick him out of your house. It’s not going to get better.
Why is this man still even around? I would have kicked him to the curb ages ago.
The poster above is right… this type of behaviour is indicative of worse things to come. Please, please reconsider why you are even with this person anymore. He is poisoning your life. You sound incredibly unhappy. He contributes nothing, but demands everything. Get rid of him, he is NOT worth it.
Good luck to you.
My bf, now husband and I have been together 7 years. He is still focused on neatness at any cost,he is OCD (I call him “Monk”). I too have many treasures, or can see the value in keeping things until I can give them to someone who wants or needs them. We have a regular counselor that helps us to deal with this. Remember, this is how you were when he met you, and moved in. My husband does not realize that he is “nagging”.
There is an internet service called FREECYCLE…look it up and to be sure the stuff that you can part with gets a good home, just list it and they will either meet you or come and pick it up. It is totally free, and I have been able to go at my own pace, as I come into stuff.
try to focus on his good points, and don’t bother defending yourself…he loves you anyway.
Okay, first of all slow down!!! I think you’ll get better answers in another department, but I’ll see if I can help you.
Number one: You are not this man’s servant. He is perfectly capable of getting up and doing something about it if he doesn’t like it.
Second: It is your house, not his and you have the right to keep it anyway you d*mn well please. Again, if he doesn’t like he can either lift a finger and help, or leave.
Third: From you story I’m guessing he isn’t your husband. He is a friend that you’re trying to to help out. This person is causing you stress, emotional pain, and endless amounts of frustration. So why put up with it? THROW HIS WORTHLESS BUTT OUT!!! You have a new baby, and a job. You do not of have time to cater to his every whim. A real friend would not only get off your back about what you’re choosing to do with YOUR things, but would be helping you. I know this because I have been sick and had to work and come home to find that a friend had cleaned my house and cooked dinner. Without me asking and without a word of complaint or throwing anything out.
I don’t know what the exact situation is, but from what you’ve said this man isn’t doing you or your child any good. He seems to rude, controlling, mean, selfish and extremely lazy. His remarks appear to be verbally abusive. My advice to you is remove yourself from the situation at once. He’s not doing you any good, in fact he’s hindering you.This person is not your friend. Please help yourself and get rid of him before the verbal abuse becomes physical.
I think you already know the answer to this question, from the way it sounds. You should not have to put up with constant criticism that berates you and makes you feel badly about yourself. YOU are the breadwinner, you JUST had a baby, and he’s trying to load you up with stupid household chores? He should be kissing your feet for earning the money and taking care of a newborn. What the hell is he doing while you’re busy with working and cleaning and chores and taking care of your child? I’m sorry, but it doesn’t sound like this man is good enough for you. If he is not working and you are, he should at the very least be taking care of the house instead of nagging you about it.
Good luck and I hope you make the right decision.
you need to talk to him before you do anything rash. tell him what you need help with and work together to get things done.
Blunt:you have no idea about this woman. why respond in such a horrible fashion? i also work full-time, have a son and am a full-time college student. i also have a better attitude than you.
I agree, it will only get worse. And sadly people change once you move in together, because that’s when you see how they really are. You need to sit down with him and tell him that he needs a reality check. You can’t do everything on your own. And he def. needs to be a man and help out by cleaning. Also let him know that things you buy are good for you, so they should be good enough for him to because the things you pick out make you happy.
Honestly I don’t see a good outcome to this. You already gave in to him by giving away things you really liked. He already feels that he can insult you the way he does, because you have let it go on for so long. You need to stand up for yourself and tell him he needs to help and stop criticizing you so much.
He sounds like a jerk and a control freak. As someone above said, this isn’t about the house or about organization – it’s about him trying to control and manipulate you.
I had an ex like this. He always criticized my spending, and I am not an extravagant shopper. He also criticized my choice of career, in the guise of “helping” – “Don’t you want to make money? Why aren’t you more ambitious? You should have gone to a better college.”
One day I saw him talking the same way to his own mother and I realized that it had nothing to do with me, or with my choices. It was all about his need to raise his own self-esteem by belittling and criticizing someone else. That kind of relationship is fundamentally unhealthy and damaging.
This guy is not worth the distress he’s caused you. Tell him to get out. You deserve to be with someone who treats you well, not breaks you down.
HANDLE IT!…..Girlfriend you don’t need to handle it, you need to rethink your situation, statistics prove, it only gets worse. What ever he wants you to do, he needs to share in the chores as well as the joys of a relationship. Your house……KICK him to the curb. Obviously, you have done well without before and you and your baby will be much better.
Good luck. There is a lot of help out there for you….call someone to help you in movin on.
You need to understand that this isn’t about having a clean, organized house. It’s about his need to control you. If your housekeeping was perfect, he would find something else to criticize. It makes him feel like a big man to make you feel bad. It’s too bad you allowed an innocent baby to be brought in to such a tense, unloving situation. What is your child going to learn about how to have a relationship from what he or she is seeing in you two? It’s time for an ultimatum. Either he stops putting you down and starts helping you, or he’s out of there. But you are going to have to be strong enough to follow through. If you aren’t, then quit complaining and accept what he is and that you chose to make a life with him.
Ask him to leave. Seriously. This guy is not someone you want to spend your life with. Imagine 30 years of this. 60 years. What will your grow up to be like in this type of home?
My bf is border-line OCD with cleanliness. He really hates it when things are cluttered, and I am cluttered. He wants to throw everything out too. But the difference is, he tries to understand the time constraints I’m under. He helps with housework (and we don’t even live together yet!) and with the bigger projects. He wouldn’t throw anything out without asking me first, even hangers. I get to decide, but he helps sort and throw away or pack up.
At the end of the day, we both want the place to look good and be organized. But it’s a lot of work, and it takes time, planning, money and patience to do.
The difference in our relationships is that my guy is willing to put in the work with me, and the money and your guy is just torturing you. He’s a control freak instead of a neat freak.
Tell him to go live in a sterile environment somewhere else before your child grows up thinking it’s okay to leave garbage around the house, then throw out mommy’s clothes because they aren’t hung neatly enough.
I’m so sorry. Find someone else.
Do you think that you are the only one mother in the world that works?
I work full time, have a child, go to school at night, commute two hours a day and my house is spotless.
What’s YOUR excuse?
You sound like a compulsive hoarder. That is a psicological disorder. If you have a baby, this is a potential HAZARD for a an infant that can become trapped in the clutter. Also, it’s a fire hazard and a health hazard. Do not let social services take a pick at your cluterred, disorganized dirty house or they can even take the baby away from you.
You have a problem and you are full on excuses. Start cleaning before the social workers come banging on the door. Do it for your baby, since you seem not to be willing to do it for yourself.
Good luck